1
00:00:02,103 --> 00:00:05,606
[upbeat music]

2
00:00:05,639 --> 00:00:07,108
Caroline, I'm home!

3
00:00:07,141 --> 00:00:10,144
I mean, I'm hotel!

4
00:00:10,178 --> 00:00:11,645
(Caroline)
I'm upstairs,

5
00:00:11,679 --> 00:00:13,681
because we have an upstairs!

6
00:00:13,714 --> 00:00:15,716
Thank you for losing
all your money so Hollywood

7
00:00:15,749 --> 00:00:19,220
would buy your story and
I could buy all the pot I want.

8
00:00:21,489 --> 00:00:23,357
Hello, darling.
You're just in time

9
00:00:23,391 --> 00:00:25,493
for my big Hollywood entrance.

10
00:00:27,128 --> 00:00:29,763
Hold up, Greta Garbage.

11
00:00:29,797 --> 00:00:32,366
I just want to tell Earl about
the pot sitch out here.

12
00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:35,336
He'll think
it's high-larious.

13
00:00:35,369 --> 00:00:38,439
You never want to
watch me walk.

14
00:00:40,141 --> 00:00:41,542
What up, Earl?
It's your girl, Max,

15
00:00:41,575 --> 00:00:45,646
calling from Holly-weed,
Cali-juana.

16
00:00:45,679 --> 00:00:48,316
Hey, Max, it's not
the same without you here.

17
00:00:48,349 --> 00:00:51,419
A lot less customers crying.

18
00:00:51,452 --> 00:00:52,553
Listen to this!

19
00:00:52,586 --> 00:00:55,556
They just give
you pot cards out here.

20
00:00:55,589 --> 00:00:59,560
All I had to say was
"Sure, I get sad."

21
00:00:59,593 --> 00:01:03,564
Hey, I'm an 80-year-old man
working at a dead-end diner.

22
00:01:03,597 --> 00:01:05,599
I bet I'd get two cards.

23
00:01:08,236 --> 00:01:11,605
Is that Max?
Let me talk to her.

24
00:01:11,639 --> 00:01:16,310
I can't find my white golf
glove, and I know you took it!

25
00:01:16,344 --> 00:01:18,346
Han, keep your panties on.

26
00:01:18,379 --> 00:01:21,182
I have no idea where
your glove is.

27
00:01:21,215 --> 00:01:22,850
Oh, I'm driving
through the hills.

28
00:01:22,883 --> 00:01:27,555
I'm...breaking...up.
Aah...uhh...

29
00:01:27,588 --> 00:01:30,824
Okay, here comes my big
Hollywood entrance.

30
00:01:30,858 --> 00:01:34,362
Hello, darling--I hope
I haven't kept you waiting.

31
00:01:38,232 --> 00:01:39,800
[applause]

32
00:01:39,833 --> 00:01:43,604
Oh, my God!
Are you okay?

33
00:01:43,637 --> 00:01:46,207
Uh-huh.

34
00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:48,642
I'm head over heels
for Hollywood, baby.

35
00:01:50,678 --> 00:01:52,880
(Peter Bjorn and John)
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

36
00:01:52,913 --> 00:01:54,515
[cash register bell dings]

37
00:01:54,548 --> 00:01:59,153
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

38
00:02:03,791 --> 00:02:05,226
[upbeat music]

39
00:02:05,259 --> 00:02:06,627
Just put it wherever you
would usually put things

40
00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:08,896
for, like, a big Hollywood
meeting with screenwriters

41
00:02:08,929 --> 00:02:11,265
who are writing
your life story.

42
00:02:11,299 --> 00:02:12,733
So, the counter?

43
00:02:14,368 --> 00:02:15,803
Go with your instincts.

44
00:02:15,836 --> 00:02:17,238
If I'd gone with my instincts,

45
00:02:17,271 --> 00:02:19,573
I would've finished
nursing college.

46
00:02:19,607 --> 00:02:22,576
Another reason I love LA?
We just had brunch at a place

47
00:02:22,610 --> 00:02:25,579
where you can
valet park your dog.

48
00:02:25,613 --> 00:02:28,216
Oh, my God, Max,
are those new sunglasses?

49
00:02:28,249 --> 00:02:31,785
Randy got them for me.

50
00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:33,921
I had to.
Your other pair of sunglasses

51
00:02:33,954 --> 00:02:36,690
were being held together
by willpower,

52
00:02:36,724 --> 00:02:39,927
and four-week-old gum.

53
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:41,529
Can you have
dinner tonight?

54
00:02:41,562 --> 00:02:44,232
- Ah, would that mean I have
to have sex with you again?

55
00:02:44,265 --> 00:02:45,533
Because the answer
is yes.

56
00:02:47,301 --> 00:02:49,237
Max, you're going out
with Randy again?

57
00:02:49,270 --> 00:02:51,539
I've barely seen you
since we got here.

58
00:02:51,572 --> 00:02:54,542
And I've seen
David Schwimmer four times.

59
00:02:54,575 --> 00:02:56,544
I've never met
David Schwimmer,

60
00:02:56,577 --> 00:03:00,248
which is weird 'cause I'm
pretty sure I'm his lawyer.

61
00:03:00,281 --> 00:03:02,283
Why don't you come
to dinner with us?

62
00:03:02,316 --> 00:03:03,951
Would that mean she has
to have sex with you again?

63
00:03:03,984 --> 00:03:06,554
Because that's a yes!

64
00:03:06,587 --> 00:03:07,988
Actually, now
I think of it,

65
00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:09,757
I can set you up
with an old friend of mine.

66
00:03:09,790 --> 00:03:11,392
He is big in this town.

67
00:03:11,425 --> 00:03:13,927
Deli-sandwich-
named-after-him big.

68
00:03:13,961 --> 00:03:15,363
If you start dating
a big sandwich,

69
00:03:15,396 --> 00:03:18,499
I'm gonna be really jealous.

70
00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:20,401
- See you later?
- Hey.

71
00:03:20,434 --> 00:03:22,202
My boobs are down here.

72
00:03:24,338 --> 00:03:25,806
Wear something cute.

73
00:03:25,839 --> 00:03:27,375
[giggles]
Okay.

74
00:03:30,544 --> 00:03:33,281
Last time a guy told you
to wear something cute,

75
00:03:33,314 --> 00:03:35,783
You said, "Like what?
Yo nuts?"

76
00:03:38,486 --> 00:03:39,987
You really like this guy.

77
00:03:40,020 --> 00:03:41,689
Oh, can you just
not ruin this for me

78
00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:43,624
by pointing out
what's good about it?

79
00:03:43,657 --> 00:03:45,326
- Ooh, snacks.
- No, don't eat those.

80
00:03:45,359 --> 00:03:46,794
That's for the meeting
with the writers.

81
00:03:46,827 --> 00:03:50,698
Writers are actors who gave up,
so they're allowed to eat.

82
00:03:50,731 --> 00:03:52,600
Can we talk about casting
with these writers?

83
00:03:52,633 --> 00:03:54,735
Because for once,
I want a name to play me,

84
00:03:54,768 --> 00:03:59,873
not just some lady who falls
out of her tube top on "Cops."

85
00:03:59,907 --> 00:04:01,675
Hi, everybody!

86
00:04:01,709 --> 00:04:03,611
[audience cheers]

87
00:04:03,644 --> 00:04:05,479
Sophie, I thought you were
gonna be at the healer

88
00:04:05,513 --> 00:04:06,847
who's gonna help you
get pregnant

89
00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:09,383
until well after
our meeting.

90
00:04:09,417 --> 00:04:12,586
Well, you're wrong.

91
00:04:12,620 --> 00:04:15,889
Yeah.

92
00:04:15,923 --> 00:04:18,526
My healer had to cancel.

93
00:04:18,559 --> 00:04:22,630
She's trying to get Kim
Kardashian pregnant again.

94
00:04:22,663 --> 00:04:24,665
Or is it Kanye?

95
00:04:24,698 --> 00:04:28,369
I forget which one's
the girl.

96
00:04:28,402 --> 00:04:30,371
I'm pretty sure it's Kanye,
because he's the one

97
00:04:30,404 --> 00:04:32,706
that goes crazy
once a month.

98
00:04:35,075 --> 00:04:36,777
[knocking on door]

99
00:04:36,810 --> 00:04:39,713
This is so exciting.
Our movie meeting is happening!

100
00:04:39,747 --> 00:04:40,748
This is exciting.

101
00:04:40,781 --> 00:04:42,316
I've never been
in a hotel meeting

102
00:04:42,350 --> 00:04:43,817
that didn't start
on Craigslist.

103
00:04:46,387 --> 00:04:48,456
- Hi!
- Hi, I'm Leslie.

104
00:04:48,489 --> 00:04:50,491
This is Jason.
He's my partner.

105
00:04:50,524 --> 00:04:52,393
- Writing partner.
To be clear,

106
00:04:52,426 --> 00:04:54,528
I only date models.

107
00:04:54,562 --> 00:04:57,064
- Hand models,
to be clear.

108
00:04:57,097 --> 00:04:59,099
Come on in.

109
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:00,868
I'm Caroline Channing.

110
00:05:00,901 --> 00:05:03,804
You probably recognize
me from Google Images.

111
00:05:03,837 --> 00:05:06,340
The photo of me being dragged
out of Barneys crying

112
00:05:06,374 --> 00:05:08,709
with my cut up credit cards
is classic.

113
00:05:12,546 --> 00:05:14,648
And I'm Max Black.
If you Google Image me,

114
00:05:14,682 --> 00:05:18,986
you'll see the Canadian dude
I stole my identity from.

115
00:05:19,019 --> 00:05:21,522
You're hot.
Are you a model?

116
00:05:21,555 --> 00:05:23,524
That is
so unprofessional.

117
00:05:23,557 --> 00:05:25,559
Right. Like I'm
the one who has to stay

118
00:05:25,593 --> 00:05:28,562
500 feet away
from Fred Savage.

119
00:05:28,596 --> 00:05:30,731
He's just so darn cute!

120
00:05:30,764 --> 00:05:32,433
Anyway, hi.

121
00:05:32,466 --> 00:05:34,702
Hi, okay, yeah.
Let's switch focus and sit

122
00:05:34,735 --> 00:05:36,837
and talk movie.

123
00:05:36,870 --> 00:05:39,740
I already came up with
my character's catch phrase.

124
00:05:39,773 --> 00:05:42,976
I think every time I leave
the room, I should say

125
00:05:43,010 --> 00:05:45,613
"Jigga jigga damn."

126
00:05:45,646 --> 00:05:47,848
We thought it was just
gonna be us and Caroline,

127
00:05:47,881 --> 00:05:50,451
not that you're not
fun and fabulous.

128
00:05:50,484 --> 00:05:52,453
You're like a sober
Megan Fox.

129
00:05:54,688 --> 00:05:57,057
I'm confused.
I assumed you wanted to meet

130
00:05:57,090 --> 00:05:58,526
with both of us
because, you know,

131
00:05:58,559 --> 00:06:01,562
Max is a huge
part of the story.

132
00:06:01,595 --> 00:06:03,897
Stop texting.
Help me.

133
00:06:05,799 --> 00:06:06,967
This is just a boring,
preliminary,

134
00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:08,502
get-to-know-you meeting.

135
00:06:08,536 --> 00:06:10,404
- It would really be better if--
- I wasn't here.

136
00:06:10,438 --> 00:06:12,740
Yeah, I get it.
I know when I'm not wanted.

137
00:06:12,773 --> 00:06:15,743
That's why I high-tailed it
out of my mother's womb.

138
00:06:15,776 --> 00:06:19,079
Anyway, I have a big
Hollywood meeting myself.

139
00:06:19,112 --> 00:06:21,615
- You do?
- Uh, yeah.

140
00:06:21,649 --> 00:06:23,016
I have an appointment
to go stand in line

141
00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:25,519
for a little thing called
"The Price Is Right."

142
00:06:25,553 --> 00:06:27,020
You ever heard of it?

143
00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:28,789
Ah, you know you have.

144
00:06:30,524 --> 00:06:31,925
Max, you don't have to go.

145
00:06:31,959 --> 00:06:33,461
It's cool,
it's cool.

146
00:06:33,494 --> 00:06:35,596
And with that,
let me just say,

147
00:06:35,629 --> 00:06:38,198
jigga jigga damn.

148
00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:39,933
So, here's the thing.

149
00:06:39,967 --> 00:06:42,836
Your friend's character
is not in the movie.

150
00:06:42,870 --> 00:06:46,640
We don't have to do that
"jigga jigga damn" thing.

151
00:06:46,674 --> 00:06:49,142
To be honest, I've never
heard her say that.

152
00:06:49,176 --> 00:06:51,579
Nothing personal
to your friend.

153
00:06:51,612 --> 00:06:54,948
- She's hot.
- We get it!

154
00:06:54,982 --> 00:06:58,519
But Jennifer Lawrence
is interested in playing you.

155
00:06:58,552 --> 00:07:01,054
And she wants to do
a brave, no-makeup role.

156
00:07:01,088 --> 00:07:02,990
Without a co-star.

157
00:07:03,023 --> 00:07:06,226
Jennifer Lawrence
wants to play me?

158
00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:07,861
Jigga jigga damn!

159
00:07:13,734 --> 00:07:16,704
[upbeat music]

160
00:07:16,737 --> 00:07:20,541
*

161
00:07:20,574 --> 00:07:22,543
So you want to sleep
over again tonight?

162
00:07:22,576 --> 00:07:24,778
Think your mom
will let you?

163
00:07:24,812 --> 00:07:28,816
Maybe. She let me
get a job at five.

164
00:07:28,849 --> 00:07:31,685
You guys are sitting on
the same side of the table?

165
00:07:31,719 --> 00:07:34,788
Max, you've kicked people
out of the diner for that!

166
00:07:34,822 --> 00:07:37,190
And it was a boy
and his nana.

167
00:07:37,224 --> 00:07:39,793
I've sat next to people
before at dinner.

168
00:07:39,827 --> 00:07:43,230
They kind of make you
at the shelter.

169
00:07:43,263 --> 00:07:44,665
Some wine?

170
00:07:44,698 --> 00:07:49,069
Wine that's not from a box?
That's a yes!

171
00:07:49,102 --> 00:07:52,239
Anyway, how was
"The Price Is Right"?

172
00:07:52,272 --> 00:07:57,845
Did you get to meet the host,
I want to say Alex Sajack?

173
00:07:57,878 --> 00:07:59,279
Control that temper, Max.

174
00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:01,982
It's Drew Carey,
and he gets housewives wet

175
00:08:02,015 --> 00:08:03,884
five days a week--
know the facts.

176
00:08:06,186 --> 00:08:08,722
But I showed up too late,
so I got to go back tomorrow.

177
00:08:08,756 --> 00:08:11,058
I was thinking of wearing a
shirt that said

178
00:08:11,091 --> 00:08:13,961
"One in the Plinko,
two in the stinko."

179
00:08:16,163 --> 00:08:19,933
How about I buy you a lifetime
supply of Rice-A-Roni?

180
00:08:19,967 --> 00:08:23,604
Aw. I don't think you realize
how much Rice-A-Roni I can eat.

181
00:08:25,072 --> 00:08:27,140
Oh, there's Bob.

182
00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:29,877
Bob! We're over here.

183
00:08:29,910 --> 00:08:32,613
Oh, hey there, hot shot.

184
00:08:32,646 --> 00:08:35,182
[cheers and applause]

185
00:08:35,215 --> 00:08:38,886
Is that my date Bob,
or a different Bob?

186
00:08:38,919 --> 00:08:42,055
I need that to be
a different Bob.

187
00:08:42,089 --> 00:08:45,025
I think that's
the very first Bob.

188
00:08:45,058 --> 00:08:48,762
It was Adam, Eve, and Bob.

189
00:08:48,796 --> 00:08:50,598
Caroline, this is Bob.

190
00:08:50,631 --> 00:08:54,334
- Bob, meet Caroline Channing.
- Nice to meet you.

191
00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:56,036
Not a lot on top.

192
00:08:58,238 --> 00:09:00,540
I hope he means
I'm stupid.

193
00:09:02,242 --> 00:09:05,212
Wow. If me and Randy
are May-December,

194
00:09:05,245 --> 00:09:07,314
you two are May-Dead.

195
00:09:12,219 --> 00:09:15,923
Marlon Brando played
the pants off the Godfather.

196
00:09:15,956 --> 00:09:18,692
You bet your ass he did.

197
00:09:18,726 --> 00:09:22,663
At the end of the day,
he was kissing my ring.

198
00:09:22,696 --> 00:09:24,364
Speaking of kissing,
I haven't gotten one

199
00:09:24,397 --> 00:09:27,801
since that time Bob
did heroin with the Stones.

200
00:09:27,835 --> 00:09:32,339
I think you mean the time
the Stones did heroin with Bob.

201
00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:40,781
Getting any ideas?

202
00:09:44,317 --> 00:09:47,254
Yeah, that I want
to die before 60.

203
00:09:48,321 --> 00:09:49,957
Anybody want to do
a little blow?

204
00:09:49,990 --> 00:09:51,258
[chokes]

205
00:09:52,926 --> 00:09:55,663
I'm gonna pass.
We have to be careful, Bob.

206
00:09:55,696 --> 00:09:57,665
Some of us are
capable of dying.

207
00:09:59,733 --> 00:10:04,337
I'm gonna pass as well.
I don't do snorties.

208
00:10:04,371 --> 00:10:07,775
Even I'm scared of how much
talking there'd be.

209
00:10:07,808 --> 00:10:10,744
Toot, toot.
The train is leaving.

210
00:10:13,013 --> 00:10:14,848
Um, Randy?

211
00:10:14,882 --> 00:10:16,817
It was really nice of
you to set me up,

212
00:10:16,850 --> 00:10:18,752
but what the hell
were you thinking?

213
00:10:18,786 --> 00:10:21,254
There's a 100-year age
difference!

214
00:10:21,288 --> 00:10:24,157
Caroline,
this is Hollywood.

215
00:10:24,191 --> 00:10:25,926
Age doesn't matter.

216
00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:28,395
Unless you're a woman.

217
00:10:28,428 --> 00:10:31,131
Plus, Bob's got
a lot of connections.

218
00:10:31,164 --> 00:10:33,400
He could really help
you with your deal.

219
00:10:33,433 --> 00:10:37,404
I'm not gonna sleep
with God's college roommate

220
00:10:37,437 --> 00:10:40,273
to get ahead in Hollywood.

221
00:10:40,307 --> 00:10:43,376
I think sleeping's pretty
much all you'd have to do.

222
00:10:46,246 --> 00:10:47,915
Never got
to the blow.

223
00:10:47,948 --> 00:10:50,383
Ran into my fourth ex-wife,
only this time

224
00:10:50,417 --> 00:10:53,653
it wasn't with the moose bumper
on my Range Rover.

225
00:10:56,323 --> 00:10:58,792
You're still driving?

226
00:11:01,194 --> 00:11:02,462
What are you dolls doing
in Hollywood?

227
00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:06,366
You girls like a sister act
or something?

228
00:11:06,399 --> 00:11:08,936
Kind of. They're making
a movie about us,

229
00:11:08,969 --> 00:11:10,904
So, what did
the writers say?

230
00:11:10,938 --> 00:11:13,841
What did they think about
Zach Galifianakis playing me?

231
00:11:15,475 --> 00:11:17,310
Well, it's nothing personal,

232
00:11:17,344 --> 00:11:20,047
but the writers don't
feel like you're...

233
00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:23,483
It's just,
there's so much story.

234
00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:26,086
There's a lot
of characters already.

235
00:11:26,119 --> 00:11:29,823
You're out of
the picture, kid.

236
00:11:29,857 --> 00:11:31,191
Really?
I'm out?

237
00:11:31,224 --> 00:11:34,795
Max, I'm sorry.
I told them you are crucial.

238
00:11:34,828 --> 00:11:37,097
But then they said maybe
Jennifer Lawrence would play me

239
00:11:37,130 --> 00:11:39,199
and I kind of blacked out
after that.

240
00:11:39,232 --> 00:11:41,468
Hey, I've been cut out of
a lot of life stories,

241
00:11:41,501 --> 00:11:44,371
like my mom's,
every time she met a guy.

242
00:11:44,404 --> 00:11:46,807
I was just her two-year-old
cleaning lady.

243
00:11:48,375 --> 00:11:51,178
Max, this is just the way
Hollywood works.

244
00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:53,113
Bob, you know
how Hollywood is.

245
00:11:53,146 --> 00:11:55,115
You were there
when it started.

246
00:11:56,884 --> 00:11:58,786
It's cool, it's cool.
Randy, you ready?

247
00:11:58,819 --> 00:12:01,855
Yeah, we're gonna take off
before the next story, Bob.

248
00:12:01,889 --> 00:12:03,256
I can only hear about that
three-way

249
00:12:03,290 --> 00:12:05,859
with Gavin MacLeod
so many times.

250
00:12:07,027 --> 00:12:08,161
Plus, I have to get up early

251
00:12:08,195 --> 00:12:09,496
to get in line for
"The Price Is Right."

252
00:12:09,529 --> 00:12:13,300
I used to babysit
little Bobby Barker.

253
00:12:13,333 --> 00:12:15,502
Max, don't leave.
Stay for another drink.

254
00:12:15,535 --> 00:12:16,503
Nah, I'm out.

255
00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:21,942
Wow, you could cut that
tension with my coke blade.

256
00:12:24,044 --> 00:12:25,846
Max is tough.
We're a team.

257
00:12:25,879 --> 00:12:27,480
We've been through
a lot together,

258
00:12:27,514 --> 00:12:30,818
including a car wash
that time our shower broke.

259
00:12:30,851 --> 00:12:32,419
You'll be fine, kid.

260
00:12:32,452 --> 00:12:33,486
You're gonna have
plenty of friends

261
00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:35,255
when your movie comes out,

262
00:12:35,288 --> 00:12:38,191
and for six months after that.

263
00:12:38,225 --> 00:12:41,194
I don't need fake friends.
I have Max.

264
00:12:41,228 --> 00:12:44,531
That's what Wesley Snipes
said about Jane Fonda.

265
00:12:44,564 --> 00:12:48,435
- They're not friends.
- You bet your ass they're not.

266
00:12:54,307 --> 00:12:55,542
[upbeat music]

267
00:12:55,575 --> 00:12:59,546
[people muttering,
shouting]

268
00:12:59,579 --> 00:13:00,848
I thought you weren't
gonna have time

269
00:13:00,881 --> 00:13:02,349
to be on
"The Price Is Right,"

270
00:13:02,382 --> 00:13:07,420
with Caroline's big and
I'm assuming boring movie.

271
00:13:07,454 --> 00:13:09,857
Well, my schedule's
wide open.

272
00:13:09,890 --> 00:13:11,959
When it comes to the movie,
I pulled out.

273
00:13:11,992 --> 00:13:14,928
You know, like I always
tell guys I'm going to.

274
00:13:16,529 --> 00:13:18,165
Oh, it's Oleg.

275
00:13:18,198 --> 00:13:21,334
I bet you he wants
to have phone sex.

276
00:13:21,368 --> 00:13:23,203
Is there anything
I can lean on?

277
00:13:25,372 --> 00:13:26,573
(Oleg)
Hey, Sophie.

278
00:13:26,606 --> 00:13:28,241
I was just making
some baby back ribs

279
00:13:28,275 --> 00:13:31,912
and I thought,
* I want my baby back

280
00:13:31,945 --> 00:13:34,214
Then I pleasured myself
with an oven mitt.

281
00:13:36,149 --> 00:13:37,918
(Sophie)
So, no sex?

282
00:13:37,951 --> 00:13:39,920
'Cause I see a bench.
It's a perfect height,

283
00:13:39,953 --> 00:13:43,490
and I can have Max
hold the phone for us.

284
00:13:43,523 --> 00:13:46,526
Is that Sophie?
Is she with Max?

285
00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:48,295
Give me that.

286
00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:54,001
It's Han, and you know sounds
even shorter long-distance.

287
00:13:54,034 --> 00:13:57,938
Max, did you play with
the ringtone on my phone?

288
00:13:57,971 --> 00:14:00,207
Every time it rings,
it makes sex sounds.

289
00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:04,945
[woman whimpering]

290
00:14:04,978 --> 00:14:08,648
Mother.
I have to call you back.

291
00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:12,152
Sounds like she's doing
just fine on her own.

292
00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:14,221
How do I make
the sex sounds stop?

293
00:14:14,254 --> 00:14:16,156
For you, it's
a rare occurrence.

294
00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:19,126
Just leave it in your pants
and enjoy it.

295
00:14:21,061 --> 00:14:22,930
- So, Max--
(Max) Sorry, Han.

296
00:14:22,963 --> 00:14:24,965
I can't hear you.
I'm driving through the hills.

297
00:14:24,998 --> 00:14:28,135
I'm...breaking...up
aah...ahh...

298
00:14:30,003 --> 00:14:32,940
[woman whimpering]

299
00:14:32,973 --> 00:14:34,874
I'm coming, Mother!

300
00:14:36,543 --> 00:14:39,012
Ooh, here comes
the contestant picker.

301
00:14:39,046 --> 00:14:40,948
Act like you're a stay-at-home
mom from the Midwest.

302
00:14:40,981 --> 00:14:43,116
That's the "Price Is Right"
sweet spot.

303
00:14:43,150 --> 00:14:44,651
Okay, how's this?

304
00:14:44,684 --> 00:14:46,419
[in a Midwestern accent]
Oh, God.

305
00:14:46,453 --> 00:14:50,623
Those little bastards
are just running me ragged.

306
00:14:50,657 --> 00:14:55,028
both: Pick me! Pick me!

307
00:14:55,062 --> 00:14:58,131
We got a lot of 12-year-old
boys playing sick at home.

308
00:14:58,165 --> 00:15:01,034
How long can you ladies
jump up and down for?

309
00:15:01,068 --> 00:15:04,004
- 20 minutes.
- Step out of line.

310
00:15:04,037 --> 00:15:05,272
What is that costume?

311
00:15:05,305 --> 00:15:09,676
Oh, this is home-bedazzled,
doncha know?

312
00:15:09,709 --> 00:15:11,979
Step out of line.

313
00:15:12,012 --> 00:15:14,114
I'm just glad to be
out of the house.

314
00:15:14,147 --> 00:15:16,383
Wait here.
You're both in the mix.

315
00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:18,251
Practice being excited
to meet Drew Carey.

316
00:15:18,285 --> 00:15:20,153
He knows when
you're faking it.

317
00:15:20,187 --> 00:15:23,556
My Bob never knows
when I'm faking it.

318
00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:26,126
Keep it up.
I like your pepper.

319
00:15:27,694 --> 00:15:31,364
Max! I've been looking
all over for you.

320
00:15:31,398 --> 00:15:32,665
What are you doing here?

321
00:15:32,699 --> 00:15:34,301
This isn't a scene
in the movie.

322
00:15:34,334 --> 00:15:36,169
I know, because I'm in it.

323
00:15:36,203 --> 00:15:39,039
Max, there would be
no movie without you.

324
00:15:39,072 --> 00:15:41,441
There would also be no armed
guards at HomeTown Buffet.

325
00:15:41,474 --> 00:15:43,443
What's your point?

326
00:15:43,476 --> 00:15:45,078
I would've been here sooner,

327
00:15:45,112 --> 00:15:48,181
but I just got back
from Vegas with Bob.

328
00:15:48,215 --> 00:15:49,749
He lost $50,000,

329
00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:52,319
and somehow
Faye Dunaway's Oscar.

330
00:15:52,352 --> 00:15:55,722
But Bob and I talked a lot about
friendship on the helicopter.

331
00:15:55,755 --> 00:15:57,690
You know, right after
I jump-started his heart

332
00:15:57,724 --> 00:15:59,592
with the epi pen.

333
00:15:59,626 --> 00:16:01,528
And you and I
are not gonna be

334
00:16:01,561 --> 00:16:03,630
Winona Ryder and
Gwyneth Paltrow.

335
00:16:03,663 --> 00:16:06,333
Or Sophie
and Gwyneth Paltrow!

336
00:16:06,366 --> 00:16:08,435
That bitch.

337
00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:11,638
I was going to name
my first-born "Apple,"

338
00:16:11,671 --> 00:16:13,273
and she took it.

339
00:16:13,306 --> 00:16:16,143
Now I have to settle
for "Fritter."

340
00:16:18,178 --> 00:16:21,281
I am not gonna sell out our
friendship for Hollywood.

341
00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:23,216
Max, you're in the movie
and you're coming with me

342
00:16:23,250 --> 00:16:24,717
to the meeting
to tell them that.

343
00:16:24,751 --> 00:16:27,720
But I'm in the mix.
They actually want me here.

344
00:16:27,754 --> 00:16:31,091
But I want you there.

345
00:16:31,124 --> 00:16:34,694
I'm the stupid
you should be with.

346
00:16:34,727 --> 00:16:36,596
All right, screw it.

347
00:16:36,629 --> 00:16:38,065
Sophie, I'm gonna go with her.

348
00:16:38,098 --> 00:16:41,234
Why stop making
bad decisions now?

349
00:16:41,268 --> 00:16:45,372
All right, but I'm gonna have to
make another friend in line.

350
00:16:47,707 --> 00:16:52,079
[Midwestern accent]
Hi, I'm Barb.

351
00:16:52,112 --> 00:16:57,550
Oh, gosh, carpool
and fluffernutter...

352
00:16:57,584 --> 00:17:00,720
because soccer, right?

353
00:17:00,753 --> 00:17:03,723
[upbeat music]

354
00:17:03,756 --> 00:17:08,395
*

355
00:17:08,428 --> 00:17:11,231
Max, this is kind of
our first Hollywood party.

356
00:17:11,264 --> 00:17:14,134
I know. I wonder
who I'll go home with.

357
00:17:14,167 --> 00:17:17,137
Probably
Andrew Dice Clay again.

358
00:17:17,170 --> 00:17:18,338
Hey listen, this might be

359
00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:20,207
the sixth teeny,
tiny, tequila talking,

360
00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:22,075
but thanks
for standing up for me

361
00:17:22,109 --> 00:17:24,744
and not letting those writers
cut me out of your life.

362
00:17:24,777 --> 00:17:27,614
Oh, Max,
that means a lot.

363
00:17:27,647 --> 00:17:30,817
I love it when
you're drunk and nice.

364
00:17:30,850 --> 00:17:33,620
[phone ringing]

365
00:17:33,653 --> 00:17:35,655
Oh, no, it's Han.

366
00:17:35,688 --> 00:17:37,090
Wonder what he wants.

367
00:17:37,124 --> 00:17:38,325
You think
he finally realized

368
00:17:38,358 --> 00:17:39,859
I changed the outgoing
message on the diner

369
00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:43,330
to "Welcome
to Diarrhea-ville?"

370
00:17:43,363 --> 00:17:46,166
Max, I heard
the outgoing message,

371
00:17:46,199 --> 00:17:50,437
and I found a series of Home
Alone-style traps in my office,

372
00:17:50,470 --> 00:17:53,673
each one more fiendishly
clever than the last.

373
00:17:53,706 --> 00:17:56,809
And I don't know how you got
those goats in his office,

374
00:17:56,843 --> 00:18:01,748
but we're having a hard time
getting them out.

375
00:18:01,781 --> 00:18:03,350
What's next, Max?

376
00:18:03,383 --> 00:18:06,153
What will finally
bring me to my knees?

377
00:18:06,186 --> 00:18:08,788
I don't know. A guy who
kind of looks like a girl?

378
00:18:10,657 --> 00:18:12,725
Why are you doing
all of this to me?

379
00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:15,595
I just didn't want you to
forget me while I was away.

380
00:18:15,628 --> 00:18:18,431
audience: Aw!
- Oh, Max.

381
00:18:18,465 --> 00:18:19,866
Now you've
brought me to tears.

382
00:18:19,899 --> 00:18:22,169
[goat bleating]

383
00:18:26,739 --> 00:18:28,841
Aah!

384
00:18:33,780 --> 00:18:36,583
Congratulations, Max.

385
00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:39,652
You finally got his goat.

386
00:18:39,686 --> 00:18:42,322
[whimpering]

387
00:18:42,355 --> 00:18:43,756
Whoo! Aah!

388
00:18:45,692 --> 00:18:47,760
Somebody help me!

389
00:18:47,794 --> 00:18:49,296
Cover those nuts.

390
00:18:49,329 --> 00:18:51,298
You may need them
one day.

391
00:18:53,333 --> 00:18:56,436
I like that you're
a bi-coastal bully.

392
00:18:56,469 --> 00:18:57,770
That might be our sequel.

393
00:18:57,804 --> 00:18:58,905
[knocking on door]

394
00:18:58,938 --> 00:19:00,273
Oh, I forgot to tell you.

395
00:19:00,307 --> 00:19:02,375
I invited a couple
of guys over.

396
00:19:02,409 --> 00:19:05,445
Who? I'm kind of seeing
someone-ish.

397
00:19:05,478 --> 00:19:07,247
It's Randy and Bob.

398
00:19:09,582 --> 00:19:11,784
Bob was real?

399
00:19:11,818 --> 00:19:13,586
I thought he was a ghost.

400
00:19:15,822 --> 00:19:17,790
Hey, girls.
I brought some bubbly

401
00:19:17,824 --> 00:19:19,592
to celebrate
your victory today,

402
00:19:19,626 --> 00:19:23,296
and Bob brought a wide variety
of opiates and stimulants.

403
00:19:26,699 --> 00:19:28,801
Oh, I'm glad to see
you two stuck it out.

404
00:19:28,835 --> 00:19:30,570
True friendship is
a rare thing.

405
00:19:30,603 --> 00:19:32,905
There's only one man
I've ever trusted,

406
00:19:32,939 --> 00:19:35,375
and that is
Anjelica Huston.

407
00:19:36,843 --> 00:19:39,946
[helicopter whirring]

408
00:19:46,419 --> 00:19:48,321
Holy crap!

409
00:19:48,355 --> 00:19:50,490
I think God is here for Bob.

410
00:19:54,861 --> 00:19:57,230
Is that chopper for you?

411
00:19:57,264 --> 00:19:59,599
You bet your ass it is.

412
00:19:59,632 --> 00:20:01,301
I'm going to Malibu.

413
00:20:01,334 --> 00:20:04,271
Susan Sarandon
is ordering pizza.

414
00:20:04,304 --> 00:20:05,872
We're doing molly.

415
00:20:07,574 --> 00:20:09,642
Bob.

416
00:20:09,676 --> 00:20:12,445
Will I ever see you again?

417
00:20:12,479 --> 00:20:15,882
Slow down, pussycat. I'm just
getting out of something.

418
00:20:20,587 --> 00:20:23,022
That man sure knows
how to make an exit.

419
00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:25,992
Not from life,
but from everything else.

420
00:20:26,025 --> 00:20:27,560
I gotta go, doll.

421
00:20:29,996 --> 00:20:32,299
[audience hoots]

422
00:20:32,332 --> 00:20:35,402
Bob's gonna
drop me off at home.

423
00:20:35,435 --> 00:20:38,305
Hopefully, I'll land
in my pool this time.

424
00:20:42,909 --> 00:20:47,013
I don't know what it is,
but I'm crazy about Bob.

425
00:20:49,849 --> 00:20:51,484
Get it, girl.

426
00:20:51,518 --> 00:20:54,487
[upbeat music]

427
00:20:54,521 --> 00:20:56,456
*